I watched my mother die

I watched my mother die.
I didn’t see her last breath, but I watched her become less of herself with each passing day.
Days that formed into months that formed into years.
I moved back just in time.
Just in time to watch her fade.
From the joyful giant in my soul to constant worry on my mind.
It’s painful to watch someone die.
Especially when it takes so fucking long.
Especially when you try to make new good memories.
But struggle to find the good in this tangled mess of fear and guilt and shame.
Fear of pain.
Guilt from living.
Shame from yelling.
You. You were the only thing that brought her joy.
You. You were the only thing that brought her pain.
You. You were the one who put her in this place.
You. You were the one that wouldn’t let her get a dog.
You were the one who sold all her things.
You were the one who went away.
You were the one who couldn’t stay.
But you are the one who took care of her.
You are the one who will remember her.
You are the one who will carry her with you forever.
I watched my mother die.
I didn’t see her last breath, but I watched her become less of herself with each passing day.
Days that blur. Months that fly. And years you’ll never get back.
Moments lost to anxiety. Joy that fades into worry. Tears that come all too easily.
Sometimes death is quick.
Sometimes it’s slow.
But it comes for us all.
I wasn’t there for her last breath.
Because I didn’t need to be.
I didn’t need to watch her body stop completely.
Because I’d seen too much of it stop already.
Her mind was the first.
And then her joy.
Once that left, I didn’t need to see any more go.
Because that was who she was at her core.
And so I watched my mother die.
I saw the sparkle leave her eye.
I saw her smile fade away.
I saw her body fight to stay.
But no one is stronger than death.
When it comes for you, you must relent.
I saw her body jerk and shake
As she yelled out in pain.
She didn’t go down easy.
Nothing ever was for her.
Except for me.
Except for us.
I watched my mother die.

 

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