For those of you who don’t know – my mom’s health has been declining dramatically for the past two years. Every time I see her she’s worse. As I sit here in the hospital (not even a month after the last hospital visit) and watch her sleep I feel compelled to share, because I’ve tried to keep it together for far too long. I have a wonderful life. I’m happily married to the love of my life, I’m constantly surrounded by supportive and kick ass friends, I have the privilege of chasing my passions with full force, and I laugh and rejoice every single day. On the other hand, I cry instantly when I think about my mother (which is often). All the wonderful things I have, I have because of her. Because she taught me to be fiercely independent and to never take no for an answer. She’s been my biggest fan, my strength, and my unwavering support. And now I feel so helpless, like I’ve failed her in some way because I can’t fix her, nor can I take care of her. All I can do is watch. Watch her shrink and shrivel. Watch her moan in pain. Watch her forget. Watch her struggle. Watch her sleep. I have to remind myself that the incredible woman who raised me is still in there, and every so often I see glimpses of her. But those glimpses are getting shorter and further apart. I haven’t handled it well at all. I lose my patience with her, I get angry. Angry that she’s dying and alone. Angry that she forgets. Angry that she can’t take care of herself (but thinks she still can). Angry with myself. I don’t want to spend however long she has left being angry. So I’m trying my best to be patient. To be calm. To be here for her as much as I can. To remember all the good times we’ve had. I need her to know just how much she is loved. So for those of you who are the praying types, please send us your thoughts and prayers. Not that she will be ok, but that she knows she is loved and supported. That all the pain and trauma of her life has not been in vain. That the world had been brighter from her infectious laugh.
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