I say this now. The eve before my graduation. There came a point during the course of my MA where I was completely embittered toward my course. Although I had conscientiously chosen it for its mix of practice and theory, I had found myself jaded by academia. This from the girl who at age five eagerly declared to her mother that she would someday go to college. The girl who had always been in love with school had managed to be the first in her family to get a college education. And definitely the first to go on to get a masters. In a foreign country to boot. You see, for me, education was my ticket to a better life. My love for education held strong during my undergrad. I thought my MA would be a perpetuation of that love. In fact, I even wrote about how I had missed the rigors and structure of academia during my year off between degrees.
The year off, however, was just long enough to completely shift my brain. I had always done well in school – it was a game I excelled at and enjoyed. My MA, however, had completely different rules and I found myself struggling to adapt. Perhaps I had entered the programme a bit too arrogant – but that arrogance didn’t last long. Although I love a challenge, I was not enjoying this. Some idealistic dream of a masters got stuck in my head and the reality I was living was far from that dream. To make matters worse, I felt incredibly lonely and homesick. Fed up with academic bureaucracy and disappointment I became withdrawn and insecure. My dreams of a masters that was challenging and exciting, encouraging and
invigorating was long dead.
But looking back, maybe the point of a masters is to tear you apart so you can put yourself back together. Even more to the point…well, that’s just it. I didn’t see the point in doing an MA. I found myself longing to create and make theatre. I want to be the one academics study, rather than the one doing the studying. As much as I love theorising and thinking critically about performance, I realised that I needed to make theatre. I’m a doer. And I didn’t feel like I was doing anything tangible. And yet…whenever I talk to people about my performance projects, essay topics, and research dissertation I have an overwhelming sense of accomplishment. Then there’s that question that follows – but now what?
Now what indeed. Most people go on to do a masters degree to further their career. But what do you do
with an MA in theatre and performance studies? Go on to do a PhD – no thanks, I’d rather gouge out my
eyes with a spork. I still want to teach at an academic level – but I want to encourage students to challenge academia, to embrace failure, to never take learning for granted. Which is probably the crux of my problem. Perhaps I had taken learning for granted – or at least my ability to play the game.
So, knowing what I know now, would I still choose to do this MA? Probably. There’s a part of me that
wonders where I’d be in my career had I stayed in LA. Would I be directing? Collaborating on a new
project? Hell, even teaching? Who’s to say? I’m glad my MA is over and done with. Now I can say I have
a pretty much useless Masters degree – so that’s exciting. And I’m glad I’ve spent the past year in my
favourite city, London. I’ve made some wonderful friends and have had amazing experiences. I was also a
hot damn mess for the better part of a year. So those massive student loans I took out to come here, are they worth it? Totally. Here’s to a chapter of my life done and dusted, and here’s to many more. And to my wonderful MA-ers – I love you guys and can’t wait for us all to celebrate tomorrow.
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