“We’re watching True Lies right now, do you remember?” Jared had jokingly recorded that on my teddy bear that let you record a quick message. I had that message on there for ages, all through high school until I moved back to California for college, when my mom replaced it with a song she used to sing to me as a kid. We were indeed watching True Lies, and I do remember. I remember most of those days, but not all.
It’s been a year since he died after battling leukemia. I wrote a journal entry about a month after he passed. I think about him a lot and how much he’s shaped me – especially lately with the anniversary of his death last week and his birthday tomorrow. So I thought I’d share my thoughts on life, death, and laughter.
This is for you Jerry.
Journal entry: November 9, 2011
A few weeks ago my dear friend Jared Alsop died – Jerry, Jar-Bear. I’ve finally reached a place where I can say his name without crying. At the beginning of the year he was diagnosed with leukemia. It came as quite a shock to me. I had seen him the summer before I moved to London, before he was diagnosed. We went out and had fro-yo in Hollywood. Although we hadn’t seen each other in about 5 years, it was like no time had passed at all. We chatted and joked around and reverted to our usual silliness and our now decade old inside jokes.
It was a deep inhalation of our past, which rejuvenated my soul. Our lives were separate and we were no longer close but we still had this unbreakable bond between us. A bond created in childhood – or adolescence as it were – one that was still a part of our respective cores.
Jerry was the kind of guy who went after what he wanted. Which is why I knew he would survive. Not one moment did I think he wouldn’t beat cancer. Turns out I know nothing. I know nothing at all.
The morning I found out he died, I was a complete wreck – and continued to be a wreck thereafter. I couldn’t believe it…and being so far away I felt terribly alone. “No, this can’t be!” I thought. Mom just wrote on his facebook wall saying she was going to send him money as soon as she finished moving back to California. He was in the middle of a fundraiser for a bone marrow transplant he had a couple months before. “I feel your love mama,” he had written back. I too was going to write on his wall the day before he passed. He was chomping on ice and hoping to be home the next week for his birthday. I decided I’d shoot him a message then. I wish I hadn’t waited.
Ah there are the tears.
Although we haven’t been close since we were 15, I feel a huge sense of loss. Our friendship was at such a pivotal moment in growing up, that so much of who I am today was formed then. The days when our whole lives where ahead of us; when we knew we would take the world by storm. Both of us were incredibly silly – making us the perfect duo. We’d entertain ourselves for hours as if we spoke our own language. I’d say something nonsensical and he would enthusiastically play along.
So many of my characters I’ve created started with Jared. We’d go off on wild imaginative tangents, not caring if they made sense or if we looked crazy. In fact, we probably encouraged each other to be crazy.
His death has completely cracked my foundation. Life is fragile. With his death I am confronted with my own life. I’m no longer that silly exuberant 14-year-old girl. Sometimes I feel like part of that girl died with Jared. I feel an overwhelming sense of responsibility to remember everything…our quirky escapades, our inside jokes. No, I’m no longer that silly exuberant 14-year-old girl.
Don’t get me wrong – I’m still silly and exuberant. I’m just not 14. Obvs.
If there’s anything I learned with Jerry’s passing it’s that I should never lose my silliness, my quirkiness. That I should laugh more too – Jared had the most infectious laugh.
I mourn the loss of a childhood spent together, of a beautiful beautiful life taken much too soon. I mourn the memories forgotten and the laughs that are no more. But I cherish the times we spent together and will do my best to never take life for granted.
Thank you Jared for your friendship, encouragement, and laughter.
Love Always,
Ashley (“Pep”)
by 