Phantom Pain

Whenever I have something to share I want to reach out to you
and then I remember
that you…
the phantom pain awakens and it clenches its tentacles around my chest
my throat
squeezing tears from my eyes
then it subsides
and I continue
breathing
living
smiling
without you
then another wonderful moment happens and I want to share it with you
and then I remember
that you’re…
the phantom pain sends a shock throughout my body
it’s paralysing
a longing that will never go away
a wound that will never quite heal
but I continue
walking
talking
laughing
without you
another event and I think oh how much you would love this!
and then I remember
that you’re not…
the phantom pain drags me down into the trenches of anger
I scream
I fight
I throw my fists up in the air
this world is so unfair
and still I continue
healing
loving
growing
without you
each day I’m grateful for all that I have and so much of it is because of you
and then I remember
that you’re not here
this phantom pain in my chest is you
a piece of you
that I will never have
a future we will never share
chats we will never make
laughter we will never hear
cuddles we will never feel
tears we will never shed
but then I remember
the wisdom you bestowed to me
the love that you gave freely
the joy you made everyday
the determination
the persistence
the strength
you gave everything of yourself to me
your love courses through my veins
which combats the phantom pain
it’s a constant battle here
one that I’ll fight forever
but one that I know I can handle
because I remember
you
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